Day 1- Knives, Truffles, and Procrastination

I didn't expect the first day to be hard.

And in a lot of ways, it really wasn't. I small talked with the secretary for 7 minutes to borrow a knife to cut open my grapefruit, realized that progresso vegetable soup has chicken broth in it, and that's about it.

I weighed myself today for a starting point (107 pounds, 5'0'')- if i lose any more than 7 pounds, i'm gonna add rice to my diet just to be safe.

Anyhow, today's temptation came with an email from one of my favorite people here, entitled hazelnut-chocolate truffles:

"Dear Speech Comm chocolate lovers:

Please help yourself to homemade chocolate delights in a container with a blue lid in the lounge refrigerator. Beware, they are rather rich.

Enjoy,

Mandi"

Mandi is one of my favorite people in Georgia. She was one of my first friends when I got here, and really the reason why I know the town of Athens at all. For Christmas she made everyone in our office mini bundt cakes, which were amazing, and has been known to leave things like cheeseballs and cheesecake in the fridge for us downstairs. She loves, and is wonderful, at cheering the rest of us up when we get caught up in the everyday typing until our eyes fall out. And for that I am very thankful.

So for a split second, I forgot I was fasting and got excited. Then, after I remembered, I found myself thinking in my head, "Well, what if I just wait and start a day late on the fast...and just go one day longer than everyone else?" Afterall, it would still be a 21 day fast...

Instead I drew a big F on the palm of my hand so I wouldn't forget, and went back to work and trying to eat my grapefruit with too big a spoon.

I realized, as most everyone already knows, getting started sucks. Whether it's starting a new diet, exercising, asking someone out, or even breaking up with someone, that first step into a line of new direction is the one that causes us to falter the most. I don't know how many papers I've written the night before, pushing it off just because the initial start is so difficult to me, even though I love writing.

But here's what else I thought about:

1. God's timing is better than ours.

Delaying the fast wouldn't make any sense. In all honesty, it would disconnect me from a larger whole- that of my church, the community I am supposed to be fasting with, and as such, it would in large part disconnect me from my connection I am aiming for in this fast with God. You see, my entire church is fasting something for twenty one days, fasting from all food the last day, and then the next day joining together in prayer. It's intense. And it's good. If I pushed off fasting for a day, plainly put, it would s e p a r a t e me. It reminds me of every story in the bible where God asks his people to do something, and they hesitate. Hesitation isn't good. It wastes time. Sometimes, it shows a lack of trust. But even more, it makes two words from the Isaiah verse I quote on fasting really stick out-

"Being present."

Delaying is hiding. It's not being there. Not being present. How can I possibly pray to God saying, "Here I am, send me" if I'm saying, "Hey, wait a day God, I want to eat this little piece of chocolate today." My timing is dumb. My timing is weak. It's procrastination, delay, hiding, fear, laziness; it's being stagnant. It's not growing or connecting.

God's timing is good. It's strong and it's here and it's now. It's brave and powerful; it's moving. It's obediance, love, understanding and connecting into something completely perfect.

Stepping over that first line is trusting that God is big enough to lead.

2. Delaying doesn't leave enough room for 100%

Self explanatory. We don't start when we should, 1. at that time we are settling and 2. when we do get started, it's hard to finish right. I think back to every paper I started too late, and just couldn't get done the way I should have gotten it done. But even more than papers, what about when I sat and watched tv instead of doing my paper, so I had to stay late over break, and not go home and spend as much time with my family? What about all the times I brought my work home with me, because I was playing bejeweled during the day? Delaying stepping over the line takes away time from us loving on others, and of course, from them loving on us back (God included).

Day 1- grapefruit, homemade vegetable soup, and a bunch of random vegetables chopped up and stir fryed with red pepper. I'm not starving myself, that's for sure. I put the leftovers away to bring for lunch tomorrow. Probably dinner tomorrow, too.

Day 1 in my prayer guide calls us to begin with our own personal renewal. So here's what it says-

First day, lovelessness.

rev. 2: 4-5 (NLT) "But I have this complaint against you. You don't love me or each other as you did at first. Look how far you've fallen. Turn back to me and do the works you did at first. If you don't repent, I will come and remove your lamp stand from its place among the churches."

Personal reflection: We all remember the first moments of our first love; we were captivated by every thought of the one to whom our affections flowed. Putting on our best behavior, doing everything to get and stay in their attentive focus, talking, dreaming and thinking about them all day, everyday. But something happens after a while, the wonder and amazement of those first moments begin to fade and we take the one we love for granted instead, turning our attention to other pursuits- our job, new friends, kids, etc. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any area in your life where you've turned from your initial passion and love of God so that you can receive cleansing and forgiveness and set your focus completely upon Jesus Christ and seeking his kingdom.

Additional scripture support: Isaiah 1, Isaiah 40:28-31, Titus 3:3-7, Colossians 3:8-10, Psalm 51:10, Romans 12:2-3

Going forward I'm committed to ____."

The cool thing about this one for me if that I just had a conversation with my awesome (usually) Godly boyfriend last night. We talked about how I really want to start this blog for the right reasons, and not as some glorifed, "hey look guys, I'm fasting" kind of deal. I made him promise to call me out if I ever got stupid in this blog, and I am sure others of you will as well.

Anyhow, I mentioned that the reason I am putting it in blog form is because I used to have a xanga (another blog) in college, and when I first really became a Christian I had so much energy and shared so much and wanted to talk about how God filled me up every day. Somewhere along the line, though, my light got dimmer, and I completely stopped it. Some of my deepest realizations about God were on that site; something about writing it all down on the internet really helps me to focus, and to light up. Sometimes I don't even realize what I'm saying until after I read it again. Sometimes I go back to the site and remember how my strength and energy I had as a new christian, and I am definitely one of the people God is calling out for losing their energy as they go along. I take God for granted. Sometimes I've sung songs or read scripture so much, that I forget what it means. Sometimes doing the same thing for so long is when we really need to ask God for new direction, even if where we were was biblical, too.

So, for me, "going forward, I'm committed to..." sharing You and how you are filling me up with Your love every day. I'm committed to reminding my own self how You love me everyday, and rejoicing and giving You glory for it. I can love because You are love are You are in me. I'm committed to not eating chocolates and not delaying; I'm committed to being present.

now.

line crossed.

Praying through scripture (from my prayer guide for today)

1 corinthians 13:1-3 (the message translation)

Jesus, I know that it doesn't matter if I speak with all intelligence, or the appearance of angelic authority- if my speech isn't first from a place of love, it's nothing but a creaking gate. It doesn't matter if I speak God's word with power, revealing mysteries and making everything as plain as day; or if I have faith that says to this mountain "jump" and it jumps, if I don't have love, I am nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and give my very life as a martry, but I don't love- I've gotten nowhere. I know that no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, without love I am bankrupt. Forgive me for those times that I've forgotten you, my first love.

Amen.